Why do I still feel like this? The "Cultural Parent" and minority stress

It is a common experience in the LGBTQ+ community to carry deep-seated, painful feelings about identity, even years after coming out. This can lead to a frustrating paradox. Living life openly, somewhere in a very progressive city like Brighton, having a ‘chosen family’ that brings them joy and happiness, yet feeling a nagging sense of shame, anxiety, or a feeling that they don’t quite belong. 

In therapy sessions, I suggest to clients that this may be internalised homophobia or transphobia and we explore what this is and where it comes from.

Often this relates to the effects of social and cultural factors that impact our psyche, and a model from Transactional Analysis called the Cultural Parent is useful in highlighting this process. 

What is the Cultural Parent?

In TA, the Parent ego state is one of the three ego states we refer to regularly. The others are Adult and Child. The Parent ego state is a repository of information that is attained from our caregivers, other significant people older than us. Theorist Pearl Drego expanded this to include the Cultural Parent.

Our parents' lives, like all of us, were affected by the society and culture they grew up in. Therefore our lives as young people were shaped by society and culture. We unconsciously picked up the unwritten rules, prejudices, traditions and “common sense" from life at home, school, and media. We didn’t choose these beliefs, we breathed them in like the air we breathe in every moment. Even if parents were 100% supportive of your LGBTQ+ identity, we live in heteronormative and rigid gender-binary society. Consequently, the inner worlds of LGBTQ+ people can become filled with absorbed messages from the world around them, that runs contrary to their own authentic and unique queer identity. 

The Intersection: Minority Stress and Neurodivergence

For many of my clients, the weight of a LGBTQ+ identity is doubled by neurodivergence. If you are Autistic or have ADHD, your Cultural Parent hasn't just internalised homophobia; it has internalised neuronormativity, the idea that there is only one "correct" way to think, socialise, or process the world.

Living with different intersecting identities involves navigating minority stress, a constant hum of internal pressure as you deal with external prejudice and discrimination, along with microaggressions. Along with the constant internal rumination relating to negative self-belief, expecting rejection and feeling the need to conceal your identity to stay safe. External events can lead to internal self-created “Injunctions”. Your Cultural Parent might be shouting messages like:

• "Don't draw too much attention to yourself."

• "You’re only acceptable if you act 'normal'."

• "Hide your traits so you don't make others uncomfortable."

  
  

When your internal Cultural Parent is at odds with your authentic, neuro-queer self, the result is chronic hyper-vigilance, exhaustion, and burnout.

How therapy helps: Evicting another's voice

In my work at Acorn Counselling Therapy, I use TA to identify which parts of what you hear in your head actually belong to you, and which ones belong to a society that doesn’t always have your best interests at heart.

1. Spotting the Script: We look at your "life script." Are you rushing to be perfect or please others because you want to, or because you don’t feel okay being you and your Cultural Parent says it’s important to fit in so you work twice as hard?

2. Decontaminating the Adult: We strengthen your Adult ego state. This is the part of you that can look at a wave of shame and appropriately say: "This isn't my shame; it’s a message I was given. I no longer have to carry it."

3. Redecision: This is the turning point. It’s the moment you decide to "evict" the toxic parts of your Cultural Parent and replace them with your own values of pride, neuro-affirmation, and self-compassion.

   
   

It’s time to drop the weight of expectation

Like an acorn growing in "compacted soil", your growth may be challenged by feeling pressured to live life a certain way. Yet, the potential to thrive is still there. Whether we are using Transactional Analysis to unpick your life script or EMDR to process the trauma of past events, my goal is to help you move from a state of survival to a state of thriving.