There's something truly wonderful about doing things for others, about bringing them joy through acts of kindness, love, or spontaneous fun. These actions can brighten the lives of those around us and create a sense of connection and happiness.
However, sometimes we might unconsciously engage in people-pleasing, not purely for the benefit of others, but for ourselves. We might do it to feel better about ourselves, to avoid drawing attention to our own issues, to hide how we are feeling, to repay a perceived debt, to atone for something, or because we believe our purpose is to serve the needs of others.
In Transactional Analysis (TA), "Please Others" is one of the five "Drivers," a concept that explains certain behaviours people adopt to counteract deeper, often painful, internal beliefs about themselves. These drivers help people feel okay, even if they are masking underlying insecurities. The "Please Others" driver, in particular, can be a way to cope with uncomfortable self-perceptions.
It's important to recognise that it’s absolutely okay to please ourselves at times. This involves acknowledging that we are important and worthy of love, both from ourselves and others. We should pay attention to those who appreciate and enjoy being with us, offering us a sense of belonging. As adults, it’s worth considering whether we still need to prove ourselves to others through what we do for them. Are the beliefs we've held about ourselves since childhood still relevant to who we are today?
In TA, one of the main goals is achieving greater autonomy. With this in mind, it’s crucial to reflect on whether we’re pleasing others out of an unconscious habit or if we’re making a conscious, autonomous choice. The key is to help or please others because we genuinely want to, while already feeling secure in who we are and satisfied with our lives.
Therapy is a journey of self-discovery. It involves gaining awareness of the factors that have shaped you—exploring your past and the messages you received that define who you are today. Understanding how your experiences have influenced your belief system about yourself, others, and life can reveal how these beliefs might negatively impact you in the present. Therapy helps you to untangle these beliefs, attitudes, and emotions, replacing them with more positive and appropriate values.
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